Monday, May 23, 2011

Getting Over a Broken Heart ~ The Islamic Way






I've made this thread in order to assist the many heart broken individuals we get posting threads in this section. Getting over a lost love is quite a hardship and one can be very confused, emotional and in such pain that they are unable to rationalise the situation without some form of outside help.

I've seen many threads where a person is told to "just get over it" etc and is treated quite harshly when this is not at all the way to deal with such people. I myself can attest to how it feels to experience the highest highs of love as well as the lowest of the lows and then to lose it all. This harsh treatment almost always comes from those who have not experienced the same situation and my advice to those who seek to advise another but cannot help but to be harsh, is that they should simply stay silent and leave it to those who will show some compassion and patience. (I remind myself before others, inshaa'Allah.)

I found an article which, I believe has some excellent tips for those who are lovesick and thought sharing it would be a good idea. I hope this thread can help those who are suffering from heart break to understand better their situation and the whirlwind of emotions and then give them the push they need in order to move on and continue with life stronger then they were before, inshaa'Allah.

Step 1: Accepting Allah’s Qadr

This has got to be one of the toughest tests of qadr. Love muddles your mind and when all you see are the good characteristics of someone it is difficult to see why it is not working out, especially if this is your first real love. How can this brother who is practicing his deen, has a nice beard, soft and caring be wrong for me? How can this sister who is attractive, fun and religious not be my perfect partner?

The key concept to remember here is: you do not know someone until you have lived with them for a substantial time. Even that person does not know what they are like and how they will react in certain situations. Just because you have these elated feelings of love does not necessarily mean this is the right person. Marriage is a struggle and people develop themselves and change with the experience. Only Allah knows your compatibility, only Allah knows what situations you will face and your reactions. Only Allah knows whether or not this marriage will bring you closer to Him or distract you from the real purpose in life. It is only Allah who knows. Have trust in Allah that He has made the right choice for you. For no matter how much this person claims their love for you or vice versa, know that no one can love you as much as Allah.

So firstly, make dua to Allah to ease your pain and help you be content with His qadr. The following is my favorite Hadith regarding qadr as it really fills you with the awe of Allah and His infinite wisdom.

“Allah `azza wa jall said: ‘Verily, from amongst My slaves is he whose faith cannot be rectified except by being inflicted with poverty, and were I to enrich him, it would surely corrupt him. Verily, from amongst My slaves is he whose faith cannot be rectified except by wealth and affluence, and were I to deprive him, it would surely corrupt him. Verily, from amongst My slaves is he whose faith cannot be rectified except by good health, and were I to make him sick, it would surely corrupt him. Verily, from amongst My slaves is he whose faith cannot be rectified except by disease and illness, and were I to make him healthy, it would surely corrupt him. Verily, from amongst My slaves is he who seeks worship by a certain act but I prevent that from him so that self-amazement does not enter his heart. Certainly, I run the affairs of My slaves by My Knowledge of what is in their hearts. Certainly, I am the All-Knower, All-Aware’.” [Tabarani]

Step 2: Awareness of the love-drug syndrome

An interesting study was conducted comparing drug users to people who claimed to be “madly in love”. They found that brain scans showed people who are in the first stages of love and people who are high on cocaine have the same areas of the brain stimulated while looking at a picture of their “beloved”. In other words, being in the first stage of love is similar to being high on drugs! With drugs, you are not in love with the powder itself – you are in love with the feelings that it gives you.

Similarly, the thing that we love is the special attention, the butterflies in the stomach, the acknowledgment that someone cares about us in a special way, looks at us in a special way, thinks about us in a special way – the constant day dreaming about the future and daily scenarios. So it is not that this person is perfect, it is that this person allows us to feel all these emotions which are addictive. In reality we are not in love with the person, we are in love with Love itself.

Being in love with Love explains how some people overlook major faults in their prospective spouse. I knew a practicing sister who wanted to marry someone who had a drug and alcohol problem. This was because in both cases these “faults” were discovered during the first butterfly phase of love and not before. Alhamdulilah, by the qadr of Allah the marriage did not take place, but it was due to circumstances, not because the sister had realised that they were not a suited match.

Awareness of this love-drug syndrome has two major benefits. Firstly, awareness is power and it breeds hope. Once you are aware that it is the feelings you are attached to, realise you can actually get them elsewhere.

These feelings are not specific to this one person; you will get these feelings with your new, more suitable prospective partner – the one that Allah will put into your life at the right time insha Allah. Love clouds your mind and makes you think that you will not find this strong love and passion with anyone else. But this is simply not true. You will find this love to be even stronger and more passionate with the right person (the one that is written for you in the Lahw al Mahfooz).

The second benefit is knowing that just like a drug-user naturally has withdrawal symptoms when they stop, you too will naturally have withdrawal symptoms, and it will be difficult. Getting over someone is emotionally painful so don’t be too hard on yourself, validate your feelings and allow yourself time to heal. Know that this is common – nearly everyone goes through heartache at some point in their lives, and eventually recover with time.

As a side point: It is not a sin to fall in love; it is a natural emotion which the human species depends on! If you did sin in the process then repent to Allah, He is the Most Forgiving, Most Merciful. Love is a powerful emotion, which is why there are boundaries in Islam. If you have fallen outside those boundaries, repent and move on.

Step 3: Be proactive

Allow yourself time but also get proactive! Marriage is just one of the many aspects of your life; it is not the be all and end all of things. What are your aspirations? What do you want to achieve in your life? Write down a list of goals you want to achieve by the end of the month and get started on them right away. As Muslims, our continuous goal is striving to get closer to Allah, so working on your eman and your relationship with Allah must be included in some way. Focus your attention on moving forward rather than wasting time with something that “could have been”.

Step 4: Move on

In the spirit of being proactive, the last stage is to actively open your heart and mind to someone else. This could be difficult, as naturally comparisons will creep in, but again realise the fact that it has not worked out means that Allah has someone better suited for you. As illustrated in the famous Hadith of the birds:

“If you depend on Allah with due reliance, He would certainly give you provision as He gives it the birds who go forth hungry in the morning and return with a full belly at dusk.” [Tirmidhi]

Allah will provide for you but you have to get up and get moving again. Just like the birds, go out and seek. Make the effort on your part and leave the rest to Allah and His infinite wisdom.
Source: http://islamic-quotes.blogspot.com/2011/02/if-you-are-suffering-from-broken-heart.html
Allah will ask on the Day of Judgment: “Where are those who loved each other for the sake of My glory? Today, on a day when there is no shade but Mine, I shall shade them with My shade.”(Muslim)

The birth of Usamah Ibn Zayd was a happy event that brought joy to the Prophet, sallallahu alayhe wa sallam and the Muslims at a time when they were suffering greatly from the harassment of Quraish, seven years before their migration to Madinah.

Usamah was the son of Zayd ibn Harithah, the freedman of the Prophet, sallallahu alayhe wa sallam, whom he took as his own son before adoption was forbidden, and of Barakah Umm Ayman, the woman who took care of the Prophet, sallallahu alayhe wa sallam, during his childhood, and about whom he said: “She is like my mother”.

The Prophet, sallallahu alayhe wa sallam, loved Usamah as much as he loved his father before him, to the point that the companions nicknamed him “Al-Hibb Ibnul-Hibb”, namely the loved one, son of the loved one. Usamah was close in age to Al- Hassan the Prophet’s grandson. He used to put them both on his lap, Usamah a snub-nosed, black boy looking very much like his Abyssinian mother, and Al-Hassan who had a fair skin and sharp features and looked a lot like his grandfather, sallallahu alayhe wa sallam. He would hug them lovingly and say: “O Allah, I love them both, and I pray that You love them.”

One day Usamah fell and cut his forehead so badly that blood covered all his face. The Prophet, sallallahu alayhe wa sallam, asked Aisha to promptly clean the wound, but she disliked to do it, so he, sallallahu alayhe wa sallam, held Usamah and cleaned the cut, while comforting him with words of affection and love.

If the Prophet loved Usamah when he was a boy, he loved him even more when he was a youth. A Quraish Chieftain offered him, on one occasion, an expensive garment that he bought in Yemen. The Prophet, sallallahu alayhe wa sallam, declined to accept the gift because the man was a disbeliever, but he offered to buy it from him. The Prophet, sallallahu alayhe wa sallam, wore it once at Jumu’ah, afterward he took it off and gave it to Usamah to wear it.

In his early teens, Usamah was already a young man of high merit, who showed the signs of a great leader. He was wise, brilliant and extremely courageous. He and three other youth left on the day of Uhud to join the Muslims in the battle. But the Prophet, sallallahu alayhe wa sallam, did not permit them to participate due to their young age. They returned home with their eyes bathed in tears for not being able to fight under the Prophet’s banner.

When the battle of the Trench (Al-Khandaq) started, Usamah came to the Prophet, sallallahu alayhe wa sallam, with a group of his friends to ask permission to participate. He stretched himself to look taller than he was. The Prophet, sallallahu alayhe wa sallam, took pity on him and allowed him to join. He was fifteen years old.

On the day of the conquest of Makkah, the Prophet, sallallahu alayhe wa sallam, entered the city riding his camel, his head lowered out of respect to the sacred place. Behind him on his camel was riding Usamah. Abdullah Ibn Umar said: “I got ahead of people, and Ithe Prophet, sallallahu alayhe wa sallam, enter the Ka’bah with Bilal and Usamah.”

A short time later, the battle of Hunayn took place. Twelve thousand men from among the Muhajireen, the Ansar, and the newly reverted, joined the Prophet to fight the tribe of Hawaazin in the mountain pass of Hunayn.

Usamah participated also in the battle of Mu’tah against the Byzantine. The Prophet, sallallahu alayhe wa sallam, appointed Zayd Ibnu Harithah at the head of the expedition. When they arrived at Mu’tah they were met by a huge army that was manifold their size. Zayd, however, preferred to fight and attain martyrdom rather than withdraw. Usamah fought alongside his father Zayd. Never before did he see such courage among the Muslims who fought against one of the two greatest, most equipped armies in that time.

Usamah had another encounter with the Byzantines, this time as a leader himself. After his return from Hajj, the Prophet, sallallahu alayhe wa sallam, ordered the people to make an expedition to Syria and put over them Usamah. He ordered him to lead his cavalry into the territory of Balqa’ and Ad-Daarum in the land of Palestine. The men got ready, and all the first emigrants joined Usamah. He was thus leader over such eminent Sahabahs (companions) as Abu Bakr and Umar. This was the last mission, which the Prophet dispatched.

Now Abu Bakr was chosen as the Khalifah, and Usamah was awaiting orders from him. But a group from the Ansar that the expedition should be postponed until a later time. They sent ‘Umar to talk to Abu Bakr and told him: “If however Abu Bakr insisted upon sending the troops, then ask him to appoint a commander who is older than Usamah.” As soon as he heard what Umar had to say, Abu Bakr got up, took him by beard, and said: “May your mother lose you, O Ibn Al-Khattab! The Prophet, sallallahu alayhe wa sallam, has appointed him and you want me to take him down? By Allah I will never do it!”. Umar was very angry when he returned to the men. “Move on,” he said, “By Allah you have caused me great embarrassment.”

Abu Bakr marched with the troops to the outskirts of Madinah, while he was holding the reins of Usamah’s mount. Usamah said: “O Khalifah Abu Bakr, either you mount with me or I dismount.” “No by Allah,” he replied, “You will not dismount and I will not ride”, “It is only a small price that I dirty my feet for the sake of Allah”. Then he leaned toward him and said, “If you see that you can give permission to Umar to stay in Madinah to help me, do so”. Usamah agreed to it.

Usamah executed the orders of the Prophet and the Khalifah. He reached the territory of Balqa’, and the fortress of Darum. By doing so he has broken the myth that the Byzantines were unbeatable. Usamah returned to Madinah with a great booty, and lost none of his men. It was said “People no army that was safer and richer in booty than Usamah’s army”.

As long as he lived, Usamah was loved and respected by the sahabah. They used to give him precedence over others because of the love of the Prophet, sallallahu alayhe wa sallam, for him. When Umar became Khalifah he used to give him a greater pension and used to say to his son who once made the remark to him: “You are not better than him. the Prophet loved his father (Zayd) more than your father, and loved him more than you, and he appointed him a commander over me”.

Usamah died on the fifty-forth year of Hijrah, and was buried in Madinah. , and with all the sahabah who loved and respected him.


[From: Al-Jumu'ah vol 12, issue 9]

http://www.islamicpoint.net/english/article/Usama%2520ibn%2520Zaid%2520-9-244.xhtml

Real happiness and peace can be found in submitting to the commands of the Creator and the Sustainer of this world. God has said in the Quran:

“Truly, in remembering God do hearts find rest.” (Quran 13:28 )

On the other hand, the one who turns away from the Quran will have a life of hardship in this world. God has said:

“But whoever turns away from the Quran, he will have a hard life, and We will raise him up blind on the Day of Judgment.” (Quran 20:124)

This may explain why some people commit suicide while they enjoy the material comfort money can buy. For example, look at Cat Stevens (now Yusuf Islam), formerly a famous pop singer who used to earn sometimes more than $150,000 a night. After he converted to Islam, he found true happiness and peace, which he had not found in material success.


Bismillah Walhamdulillah Was Salaatu Was Salaam `ala Rasulillah
As-Salaam Alaikum Wa-Rahmatullahi Wa-Barakatuhu

Narrated by Anas bin Malik(Radhiallaho anho):
Allah’s Messenger (sallAllaahu `alaihi wasallam) said: : He who brought up two girl properly till they grew up, he and I would come (together) (very closely) on the Day of Resurrection, and he
interlaced his fingers (for explaining the point of nearness between him and that person).

Sahih Muslim Number 6364 [this referes to the person who collected and verified the authenticity of the sayings or actions recorded. Some of these people include Muslem, Bukhari, Tirmidthi, Ahmed etc) The best and most reliable sayings/hadith are those graded as SAHIH

Enviornment:

elm tree

Narrated by Jabir ibn Abdullah (Radhiallaho anho):
Allah’s Messenger (sallAllaahu ‘alaihi wasallam) said: Never a Muslim plants a tree, but he has the reward of charity for him, for what is eaten out of that is charity; what is stolen out of that, what the beast eat out of that, what the birds eat out of that is charity for him. (In short) none incurs a loss to him but it becomes a charity on his part.
Sahih Muslim Number 3764

The love God has to His creation:
Narrated by Abu Huraira (Radhiallaho anho):
Allah’s Messenger (sallAllaahu `alaihi wasallam) said that Allah thus stated: When My servant draws close to Me by the span of a palm, I draw close to him by the space of a cubit, and when he draws close to Me by the space of a cubit, I draw close to him by the space (covered) by two hands, and when he draws close to Me by the space (covered) by two hands, I go in hurry towards him.

Sahih Muslim Number 6473

Narrated by Abu Huraira (Radhiallaho anho): give in charity to those in need
Allah’s Messenger (sallAllaahu `alaihi wasallam) said: A servant says: My wealth, my wealth, but out of his wealth three things are only his: whatever he eats and makes use of, or by means of which he dresses himself and it wears out or he gives as charity, and this is what he stored for himself (as a reward for the Hereafter), and what is beyond this (it is of no use to you) because you are to depart and leave it for other people.

Sahih Muslim Number 7063

As-Salaam Alaikum Wa-Rahmatullahi Wa-Barakatuhu

Narrated by Abu Huraira (Radhiallaho anho):
Allah’s Messenger (sallAllaahu ‘alaihi wasallam) said: When a man dies, his acts come to an end, but three, recurring charity, or knowledge (by which people) benefit, or a pious son, who prays for him (for the deceased).

Sahih Muslim Number 4005

Bismillah Walhamdulillah Was Salaatu Was Salaam ‘ala Rasulillah
As-Salaam Alaikum Wa-Rahmatullahi Wa-Barakatuhu
Narrated by AbuDharr(Radhiallaho anho):
Allah’s Messenger (sallAllaahu ‘alaihi wasallam) said: In the morning charity is due from every bone in the body of every one of you. Every utterance of Allah’s glorification is an act of charity. Every utterance of praise of Him is an act of charity, every utterance of profession of His Oneness is an act of charity, every utterance of profession of His Greatness is an act of charity, enjoining good is an act of charity, forbidding what is disreputable is an act of charity, and two rak’ahs which one prays in the forenoon will suffice.
Sahih Muslim Number 1557

Narrated by Abu Huraira (Radhiallaho anho):
Allah’s Messenger (sallallaahu ‘alaihi wasallam)said, “If somebody gives in charity something equal to a date from his honestly earned money–for nothing ascends to Allah except good–then Allah will take it in His Right (Hand) and bring it up for its owner as anyone of you brings up a baby horse, till it becomes like a mountain.” Abu Huraira said: The Prophet. said, “Nothing ascends to Allah except good.”

Sahih Al-Bukhari Vol. 9 : No. 525B

Hadeeth No. 1328 – Narrated Ibn Masud:

I heard the Prophet saying, “There is no envy except in two: a
person whom Allah has given wealth and he spends it in the right way,
and a person whom Allah has given wisdom (i.e. religious knowledge)
and he gives his decisions accordingly and teaches it to the others.”

Narrated by Aws ibn Aws ath-Thqafi(Radhiallaho anho):

I heard Allah’s Messenger (sallAllaahu `alaihi wasallam) say:If
anyone makes (his wife) wash and he washes himself on Friday, goes
out early (for Friday prayer), attends the sermon from the beginning,
walking, not riding, takes his seat near the imam, listens
attentively, and does not indulge in idle talk, he will get the
reward of a year’s fasting and praying at night for every step he
takes.

Sunan of Abu-Dawood 345

Narrated by Abdullah ibn Abbas(Radhiallaho anho):

Allah’s Messenger (sallAllaahu `alaihi wasallam) said :If anyone
continually asks pardon, Allah will appoint for him a way out of
every distress, and a relief from every anxiety, and will provide for
him from where he did not reckon.
Sunan of Abu-Dawood 1513

Narrated by Abdullah ibn Amr ibn al-`As(Radhiallaho anho):

Allah’s Messenger (sallAllaahu `alaihi wasallam) said :The
supplication which gets the quickest answer is that made by one
distant Muslim for another.

Sunan of Abu-Dawood 1530

Narrated by Abdullah ibn Abbas(Radhiallaho anho):

Allah’s Messenger (sallAllaahu `alaihi wasallam) used to supplicate
Allah: “My Lord, help me and do not give help against me; grant me
victory, and do not grant victory over me; plan on my behalf and do
not plan against me; guide me, and made my right guidance easy for
me; grant me victory over those who act wrongfully towards me; O
Allah, make me grateful to Thee, mindful of Thee, full of fear
towards Thee, devoted to Thy obedience, humble before Thee, or
penitent. My Lord, accept my repentance, wash away my sin, answer my supplication, clearly establish my evidence, guide my heart, make true my tongue and draw out malice in my breast.”

Sunan of Abu-Dawood 1505


Narrated by Abu Hurairah(Radhiallaho anho):

Allah’s Messenger (sallAllaahu `alaihi wasallam) having said :Allah,
Most High, says: “I make a third with two partners as long as one of
them does not cheat the other, but when he cheats him, I depart from them.”

Sunan of Abu-Dawood 3337

GOD BRINGS GRIEVING PARENTS TO PARADISE –

The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) said: “No pair of Muslims will lose three (of their children) by death without God bringing them into Paradise by His great mercy.” He was asked if that applied if they lost two children, and he said it did. He was also asked if it applied if they lost one child, and he said it did. Then the Prophet said: “By Him in Whose hand my soul (resides), (even) the (aborted fetus) draws his mother to Paradise by his umbilical cord when she seeks her reward for him from God.”

Al-Tirmidhi, Hadith 552